1.07.2006

Clearly, Nudity = Respectability

A couple of days ago I was filled with rage. A different, fiercer rage than most days. It all started when I was going to the bank for work. As I was headed out my boss said that I should check out the latest copy of a certain local paper. So as I left the building I glanced down at the stack of said paper. I was horrified by what I saw below me. Cross-eye-ed-ly staring back at me was a cold, cold slap in the face. You know that one person that you grew-up with that was mean and awful? That person who would be your best friend for awhile before she became best friends with your best friend which also happened to be the same time that she stopped being friends with you at all - as well as around the same time that horrible lies started being spread about me - uh, I mean, you? Yeah, that person. That was the person I found my insides ferociously spinning while looking down upon. That was the person being proclaimed a “Laugh Riot.” That was the person who caused me to storm out of the building - FURIOUS - (and putting that in caps in no way does justice to the true and deep rage that filled me at that moment.) If vandalism wasn’t an arrestable offense, I would’ve broken so many storefronts and windshields between my office building and the bank.

The thing is that I am not angry because she is on the cover of some lame-ass local paper . . . well that is not the main reason for my fury. The main reason that I got so truly angry is that she is being applauded for being FUNNY!!! And she is not funny - like, at all! She was never funny growing up - unless of course you find the lion that chooses the youngest, sickest, most fragile, doe-eyed gazelle to be the one she meticulously painfully rips the flesh off in such a calculated way as to keep the gazelle alive the longest, funny - then she’s HILARIOUS!

I even saw her do standup once and that was awful. All she talked about was butt-sex and how growing up in St. Louis (when she actually grew up in Lake St. Louis which isn’t even in St. Louis county) it used to be way whiter (which is totally true if you are actually talking about Lake St. Louis vs. downtown St. Louis) than it is now that all the “blacks” moved in. God! How can anyone find her even mildly talented?! She is a racist hack - and yet, somehow she is now St. Louis-famous!

Life is so fucking unfair.

5 comments:

mattcody said...

OH MY GOD!!!!!

It's like Lex Luthor just stole your superpowers.

Did you anger Vishnu? Because the universe is seriously fucked up when Brie Johnson ends up labled as hilarious. And in print. I see that she also did a gig on 105.7 The Point where she talked about comedy then stuck out her butt for the camera.


Wow. You'd better find Jesus kid, cause that girl has seriously made a deal with the devil. Then they did it in the butt.

Ali said...

Well, after reading the article about Brie, I can see why she's named after cheese...

Amie said...

Boy, am I glad I read this before I came in tomorrow and said, "Hey Amanda, do you know that girl on the cover of the RFT?"

Tolles said...

Amie - you should totally do that. I brought her up the other day, and let me tell you the reaction is hillarious. In fact, I think Amanda should just forget the whole stand-up routine and just stand on the stage while people ask her about Brie Johnson.

Are "in the butt" jokes the female equivalent of males adding "with my dick" to the end of a sentence in order to make a joke. As in, yeah I came in this morning and drank a big cup of coffee. With my dick. (laughter). If so, then "in the butt jokes" are funnier than I had previously given them credit for. Funnier than the credit for which I had...not...give...fuck. ending. sentences. with. prepositions.

Also, why does a radio station have a camera? I do not understand these kids and their inventions.

Alito said...

She is just a cretinous cross-eyed harlot. Pay her no mind.