I Can't Stop Looking at It!

I mean, come on, people! Jim Henson, himself, could not have created a better creature. Look at the detail! The claws, the hair on his ear, the skewed teeth, the glazed eyes - the fact that it looks, at first glance, like he is being fed a chicken leg - but then (here comes the genius!) it's actually his leg!!! Can you believe it? Aw man, you can't make this stuff up! This is reality blog, folks!

I Hate to do This . . .

Through some email banter with a friend, I went on a search for an image of a Chinese Crested Dog. What I found was so amazing and disturbing all at the same time. I laughed so hard while, at the same time, being terrified to look at it for too long. I just hope that it provides you with more pleasure than pain. Thank you, God, for Google Image Search.

Haaaappy birf-dee!!

delayed by blogspot maintenance but:

Today's (yesterday, now) is (or was) my Momma's Birthday!!

Happy Birthday, momma!!!!

As an only child, I am here to ensure that my momma had some fun, some delicious Thai, and a couple of Zombie Tikis.

And let me say, mission complete!

Ahhhventures

Yesterday I spent the day at my favorite place in the whole world – the City Museum here is St. Louis. It was a friend’s birthday so he and I met up with a couple of our friends at a Schlafly beer tasting that was taking place where? Why, at the City Museum, of course! “Man, oh man!” I thought to myself, “Did I luck out or what? My two favorite things fused into one!” We had a great time; they gave us commemorative beer-shot glasses, which they then filled with whichever of the different 18 types of beer we wanted. Now hold on, I haven’t even gotten to the best part – they would then fill it back up with ANOTHER beer!! Magical, isn’t it? After all the beer was gone, we ran around the museum, wandered through the mystical caves, slid down slides, climbed through wire tubes hung outside the building four stories up, pretended to fly airplanes, and got berated by kids younger, stronger, and spryer than us who thought we were too slow and weak. It was totally awesome.
The only downside came when, on our way out, I realized that although I had my commemorative glass, a newfound appreciation for Schlafly’s various brews, innumerable scrapes and bruises and a bucket-load of goodtime memories, I did not have my car keys. In a hasty exit from the car to get to the beer-tasting (haste, I should mention, caused by panicked cries from my birthday buddy that they were going to run out of beer before we got there) I threw my keys into my purse then promptly locked the purse safely in the backseat.
An hour or so later a tall extremely lanky man with thin stringy hair and a bushy mustache showed up with handbooks (they make handbooks for this??) and unlocked my door.
You know, it’s funny. Once I had the realization that I had locked my keys in my car – I just kept thinking that I had ruined a great day and that all the fun that we had had would be overshadowed by my forgetfulness, but as soon as I had those keys in my hand, it was the greatest day EVER!

Re: Clearly, Nudity = Respectability

Today, I am filled to the brim with a big gulp of justice.

As my dad pointed out, he had never seen that local paper do such a long article about one person, but he had also never seen SO many enraged letters to the editor about one article. Ha! There were at least 5-6 letters concerning the article from two weeks ago - you know, the one that made my head spin and my insides flame? Yeah, that one. Anyway, every letter just talked about how awful she is and how she's not funny, and how ridiculous the paper is for printing it, what a hypocrite she is for complaining about being seen only as a sexual item while she is posing nude for her first "exposure." (Pun intended, although we all know that she has had a fair amount of a certain type of exposure for quite some time now.)

Favorite quotes:

• "As a female comic, I take personal offense to both [my archenemy] (I hope your tits shrivel up and fall off) and [the author] (I feel sorry for anything that has ever been in your mouth)."

• "However, I do find it interesting that your article was published the same day that Iran declared it was restarting its nuclear program. Coincidence? I think not."

• "The writer who once described Hanson as 'uncompromisingly artistic' was not fired and has recently published her first feature article, entitled, "[My archenemy] Takes Her Shirt Off...and Thinks It's Funny.' "

• "The 'joke' most prominently featured in the article is the one in which [my archenemy] expresses her desire to have a man 'put it in her butt.' While I do not doubt the sincerity of [my archenemy]'s desire for the love often only spoken of in prisons, it's not a joke per se, but rather an expression of preference."

• "What dumbass is comparing [my archenemy] to Sarah Silverman?"

Ahhh, I am at peace now.

A Slip in Blog-Manners

(For the record, this did occur to me last night before I saw that Tolles gave me trouble about having forgotten to give credit where credit is due.)

Thanks to my good friend, Mike, for the great link to one of the most disturbing things I have ever seen!! You're a good man.

Now, in a small attempt to make up for my mis-step, I give this to you, Tolles:

Momma Was Wrong . . .

Everytime my mom would hear me coo or fawn over some tiny puppy or kitten she would always have the same response:

"Amanda, all puppies and kittens are cute! That is their one defense mechanism in order to keep you from throwing them out the window."

Well, I guess everyone can't be right all of the time.

Lovin' That Dog of Mine

Last night I had both a sad and delightful realization. Staring at into my beagle’s eyes, I suddenly knew that I would never again have such an intense relationship with a guy so handsome. This is sad for the obvious reasons, although the happy reasons might not be as apparent. You see I never have to worry about him leaving me for another woman. Well, I guess it could happen however I know that he will always come back to me. Ahhh, the beautiful benefits to having a micro-chip implemented in your main man’s neck!

Change Can Do You Good!

I have found the key problem with my love-life problems. And, what’s better is that I know the solution. All I need to do to have a successful vie d’amour is undergo a little makeover. Nothing terribly extreme - not like one of those crazy talk show or reality T.V. makeovers. I’m just talking about that a quick and simple little sex-change operation. Yes, if I just embraced that 60% in a more real sense, I believe I would have dates of all kinds. Not dates with women, mind you. No, no, no - I’m talking about good old-fashioned gay man dating.

Now I have always had a few gay male friends telling me that if I was a man, or if there were straight, they would totally date me. I just always figured that this was a kind sentiment expressed by friends trying to cheer me up. (Which to be totally honest - is never affective - because, at least as it stands now, I am not a man, and if they suddenly just starting liking poon, I imagine I would still see them as the amazing gay men that they are and not be attracted to them.*) It turns out, however, that this not a merely a compliment expressed by good friends.

Apparently even random high school gay boys share the same sentiment. I spent last weekend teaching some improv workshops at a high school theater conference. Some of the high schoolers were students of my roommate’s who told me tonight that one of his students told him today, “Omigod! If I was a straight man, I would be all over her!”

Granted, I don’t want to date high-schoolers, but it just proves my theory that if I were a real dude that liked dudes, I would have so many dates. Sigh.

*Sorry, boys!

This Ones for my Boo!

It’s my best friend’s birthday today!

So let’s say it together, now - HAPPY BIRTHDAY, BOO!!

Look at that beautiful girl (she's the girly-looking one - although the other one is a kick-ass lady too!). I can’t wait to see her this Friday and to birthday-it-up St. Louis Style.

Clearly, Nudity = Respectability

A couple of days ago I was filled with rage. A different, fiercer rage than most days. It all started when I was going to the bank for work. As I was headed out my boss said that I should check out the latest copy of a certain local paper. So as I left the building I glanced down at the stack of said paper. I was horrified by what I saw below me. Cross-eye-ed-ly staring back at me was a cold, cold slap in the face. You know that one person that you grew-up with that was mean and awful? That person who would be your best friend for awhile before she became best friends with your best friend which also happened to be the same time that she stopped being friends with you at all - as well as around the same time that horrible lies started being spread about me - uh, I mean, you? Yeah, that person. That was the person I found my insides ferociously spinning while looking down upon. That was the person being proclaimed a “Laugh Riot.” That was the person who caused me to storm out of the building - FURIOUS - (and putting that in caps in no way does justice to the true and deep rage that filled me at that moment.) If vandalism wasn’t an arrestable offense, I would’ve broken so many storefronts and windshields between my office building and the bank.

The thing is that I am not angry because she is on the cover of some lame-ass local paper . . . well that is not the main reason for my fury. The main reason that I got so truly angry is that she is being applauded for being FUNNY!!! And she is not funny - like, at all! She was never funny growing up - unless of course you find the lion that chooses the youngest, sickest, most fragile, doe-eyed gazelle to be the one she meticulously painfully rips the flesh off in such a calculated way as to keep the gazelle alive the longest, funny - then she’s HILARIOUS!

I even saw her do standup once and that was awful. All she talked about was butt-sex and how growing up in St. Louis (when she actually grew up in Lake St. Louis which isn’t even in St. Louis county) it used to be way whiter (which is totally true if you are actually talking about Lake St. Louis vs. downtown St. Louis) than it is now that all the “blacks” moved in. God! How can anyone find her even mildly talented?! She is a racist hack - and yet, somehow she is now St. Louis-famous!

Life is so fucking unfair.

Happy This Year!

So tomorrow is the official end of my lovely vay-kay. Now it was a great vay-kay, but I am a little bummed that I didn't sleep more. Instead I was too busy boozin', making joke-times, and holidaying. Oh well, it will still be fairly painful going back to work. I forgot how much I love not working. Man spending my day-times with my dog, running errands and taking walks. Spending my nights boozin', coming up with jokes, and laughing at comedy DVD's is the life. If only people started paying me for this bullshit, I would be thrilled. And my dog has become soooo good - not having to spend so long in his little dog coop. Oh well. I will just have to go back to real life and hope to be discovered for being a genius and have someone pay me lots of monies to do what I did this last week.