The Power of Power

It is an incredible thing to behold when one person has the inexplicable ability to make another feel crazy, inconsiderate, infuriated, sad, and wrong all at the same time.

It is very lonely on this island covered with crazy-sand.

Thinking of You, and the Way the Sound Tonight!

I am a fantastic phone and/or email girlfriend. I am witty, cute, attentive, thoughtful, and interesting. Granted it is a relationship in the early stages where we are still learning about each other. We still get butterflies when that "Ding" goes off and we see the other's name appear in our inbox. The initial nerves are still there in the beginning of our phone flirtation. Giggles still pour out of us with each new joke or playful rub. I think that I am good at these relationships because there is no pretense of femininity as a necessity for a successful affair. It is not important how dainty I am or how I carry myself or what pair of cute shoes I happen to be wearing. Instead what shines through is my ability to keep up playful banter and maintain a rhythm while keeping a certain sense of mystery. If only real dating was this simple.

In Dedication to my Peeps

You know when you have found friends that should always play an integral part in your life when:

• You fly all the way to another state just to keep a tradition alive.
• Within minutes of seeing them for the first time in years of not being in the same state, let alone the same car, you have already established a made-up-whale-like language in which you attempt to communicate for the rest of the weekend.
• You get so excited when you see them that your body is overcome with joy expressed only by dance.
• You all drag your hung-over, sleep-deprived bodies out of bed at 8:30 in the morning to have breakfast together even though the only thing you can imagine putting into your body is water.
• You spend hours at 3 separate pretentious art events finding new and ridiculous ways to entertain each other and keep things exciting.
• You can anticipate the next embarrassing thing each is going to do for comedy sake and stop it before it embarrasses everyone.
• The inevitable let-down after finally seeing something that you have been anticipating for over a year is washed-away by the fact that you are still with these people.
• Each is willing to completely abandon any hope of presenting a good first impression for the sake of making another laugh.
• You try to sleep as little as you can on your vacation in exchange for spending more time with these people.
• You spend an hour or more in a car with a guy who creeps you out in order to enhance the enjoyment of everyone for the rest of the night.
• You risk seeing someone that you would rather never see again just so you can see the exhibit on which one of them worked.
• The fact that you have had, by far, one of the worst nightmares you have ever had, and it doesn't ruin your day simply because you are with these people who comfort you.
• An afternoon just walking around some fields and enjoying a good meal with your best friends is just - enough.
• You hope that your expired driver's license or "documentation" prevents you from being able to get on the plane to fly home simply because you don't want to leave them.

Blogcation Notification

Apparently, if I am ever gonna get blog-famous, I have to do things like let people know when I am not going to be blogging about it for a few days. So this is your notification:

I am currently vay-kaying it in beautiful, cold, snowing - (yes, SNOWING!!) - Ohio, the travel destination hotspot for all twenty-somethings. (Geesh - I can sense the jealousy waves through the computer! Settle down, people - honestly!) And I won't be back to St. Lou, work, improv, my beagle, or blogging until Monday.

Please be strong. I shall come back to you.

Size Zero . . . Here I Come!

Lately I have had this weird problem with my taste buds. Well, I can only assume that it is my taste buds - perhaps it is a problem with my tongue in general. You see, I have a very sensitive tongue. I have to allow my piping hot coffee to sit - for sometimes up to an hour or more - before I can partake of its caffeinated deliciousness. My hot chocolate is more like "barely warm chocolate." All of my hot toddies hide out under the alias "slightly above room temperate toddies." But lately it has reached a new extreme where it feels as though my tongue has been grazed by sandpaper – making it much more sensitive and kind of always slightly irritated. This is a problem – a problem only heightened by my recent affinity for all things super spicy. And, I am not kidding around, people, when I say “spicy,” I mean SPICY – as in that point of fiery goodness just before it becomes completely unbearable. I have no idea what has caused this problem – I have not, to my knowledge, been making out with tigers – nor have I suddenly begun eating fiberglass. My only thought is that God has finally decided to help me to fulfill a dream of mine since I was a young, insecure girl with body issues. That dream was to be anorexic!
Yes, it may seem disturbed or offensive because it is a real disease, blah, blah, blah – but that was all I could think about while watching the Montel Williams, Jerry Springers, and Sally Jesse Raphaels of my youth. I was never planning on ending up a walking skeleton like the girls in the extreme cases; no, I just wanted to be slender and attractive without having to exercise.* The one wrench in my plan was my sheer love of food and all things tasty and delicious. I couldn’t stop eating food because that would mean no more french fries, Indian buffet, or Midnight Cody Nachos. These were things I could NOT do without. So I was cursed to have to exercise and “eat smart” in attempt not to end up on the other extreme of daytime talk tv where they would have to tear down the wall of my house to pry my hands off of my Taco Bell Bean Burrito Especial. So now it is my belief that God has chosen this aspect of my life in which to give me a hand. He is ruining my taste-buds so that I can no longer enjoy the taste of food, therefore removing my last hurdle and becoming, finally, after all these years the ANOXERIC I have always wanted to be!

*I hated gym class so much when I was younger, that I would create elaborate lies that spanned weeks - even months. I once claimed to have sprained my ankle and even went back to my 5th grade class with a cane and endured all the relentless ridicule simply to avoid P.E.

Hypno-Eyes Works His Magic Once Again

I was going to spend sometime coming up with another post before I spend the next 24 hours deep in the woods discussing life and the proper placement of rocks so that they may "have a clearer view of their surroundings"with my father, but instead my little beagle dog is using his powerful hypnosis ability to convince me that I would much rather follow him around in the dark with my plastic bag hoping that this time I will somehow be able to tell which pile of dead leaves he decided to poo in and do my good citizenly duty (no pun intended, thank you) to clean up after him. His eyes swallow you whole, I tell you! Swallow you whole like a dark, bottomless pond - a wise pond. A pond with a penchant for garbage and cat poo. Yet somehow, I can't help but to fall into them once again. Damn puppies and their alluring cuteness! If only I had had the strength to say no! Now I am doomed to swim in that pool of beagledom every night. C'est le chien.

You Think I'm Funny, huh? Wanna Date About it?

I thought that my newly acquired pseudo-St. Louis-fame* brought on by my performing on stage in fronts of huge crowds** every weekend would surely land me some dates. Alright, maybe that's pushing it - maybe a date. But no, apparently Funny is not hot, nor sexy, nor cute, nor prettified enough to make you wanna buy me some booze or even a large pretzel with or without the extra cheese. And here I was thinking that I could just slip into my wit and wear it around town like this year's new little black dress. I even had the perfect accessories lined up, a pair of sass-heels with a cynical true-isms capelet. I was all set to be wooed nightly by the masses. I even set up a waiting room just below my balcony so that the wooers-in-wait would be comfortable. And I do believe that my ticket counter is going to be delivered today. No, all the preparation is for naught. It would seem that all my Sharp Wit, near inability to be offended, and Sassmouth gets me is a ticket to the dudes' club. Sure, maybe a certain online test did proclaim me 60% dude and only 40% lady, but doesn't that simply mean that I am more fun for you to date because I'm more like you?
Nope. Obviously not.

*I once had a woman come up to me a bar to gush about how much she loved me when she saw our show a couple of weeks back. She hugged me, screamed about me, and made her husband touch me.***
** average about 10-20 people scattered throughout the theater.
***on the shoulder.

I just rolled a cool value of an 11!

So. . .I. . .have. . .a blog? What?! I have been considering doing it for a while, but I had been avoiding it like you avoid that one crazy person at the bar who is staring at you, just waiting for you to make eye contact so that they can end up barking like a dog at some person rather than just barking at no one - because that would make them really crazy. But then I was reading Kristopher's blog and really wanted to add a comment teasing him about his young g.f. only to discover that I had to have a blog to do so. So here I am. I guess I also wanted to do it in my unending attempt to be cool and do just like my supercool uncle. Now I am one step closer to the greatness he embodies. Plus I gain a point over him because I don't role play or read ridiculous sci-fi novels. Tap that manna, bitch!