Size Zero . . . Here I Come!

Lately I have had this weird problem with my taste buds. Well, I can only assume that it is my taste buds - perhaps it is a problem with my tongue in general. You see, I have a very sensitive tongue. I have to allow my piping hot coffee to sit - for sometimes up to an hour or more - before I can partake of its caffeinated deliciousness. My hot chocolate is more like "barely warm chocolate." All of my hot toddies hide out under the alias "slightly above room temperate toddies." But lately it has reached a new extreme where it feels as though my tongue has been grazed by sandpaper – making it much more sensitive and kind of always slightly irritated. This is a problem – a problem only heightened by my recent affinity for all things super spicy. And, I am not kidding around, people, when I say “spicy,” I mean SPICY – as in that point of fiery goodness just before it becomes completely unbearable. I have no idea what has caused this problem – I have not, to my knowledge, been making out with tigers – nor have I suddenly begun eating fiberglass. My only thought is that God has finally decided to help me to fulfill a dream of mine since I was a young, insecure girl with body issues. That dream was to be anorexic!
Yes, it may seem disturbed or offensive because it is a real disease, blah, blah, blah – but that was all I could think about while watching the Montel Williams, Jerry Springers, and Sally Jesse Raphaels of my youth. I was never planning on ending up a walking skeleton like the girls in the extreme cases; no, I just wanted to be slender and attractive without having to exercise.* The one wrench in my plan was my sheer love of food and all things tasty and delicious. I couldn’t stop eating food because that would mean no more french fries, Indian buffet, or Midnight Cody Nachos. These were things I could NOT do without. So I was cursed to have to exercise and “eat smart” in attempt not to end up on the other extreme of daytime talk tv where they would have to tear down the wall of my house to pry my hands off of my Taco Bell Bean Burrito Especial. So now it is my belief that God has chosen this aspect of my life in which to give me a hand. He is ruining my taste-buds so that I can no longer enjoy the taste of food, therefore removing my last hurdle and becoming, finally, after all these years the ANOXERIC I have always wanted to be!

*I hated gym class so much when I was younger, that I would create elaborate lies that spanned weeks - even months. I once claimed to have sprained my ankle and even went back to my 5th grade class with a cane and endured all the relentless ridicule simply to avoid P.E.


Tolles said...

You know, it's been a while since I've seen TV footage of a construction crew tearing down a wall in order to forklift and/or roll some dude out of his personal dwelling. Too long, really.

So your dream sounds....awesome...? Good luck with all that.

Amie said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Amanda said...

Whow removed their comment, and what was it?? I am so curious! Tell me!

kpolly said...

a few things:

one. the only real way to be pretty is to throw up your food. that's just science.

two. super spicy foods are for macho knuckleheads. it's just a way to say, "look how tough i am". the food does NOT taste better. and always, people who "like" super spicy food always TELL YOU about how they like it. It's like wearing bells on your shoes. Hey, look at me. don't be that girl with bells on her shoes.

and three. you should get hypnotized. i did. and now i have no overwhelming cravings for donuts or fast food or the blood of the young. like before. seriously.

christian middleweight said...

This seems disturbed or offensive! I am disturbing or offended!

Ali said...

Hate to be the voice of reason or sense or what have you, but is it possible that you've damanged your tongue with all those spicetastical foods?

I'm just sayin'.