11.15.2006

Pet Deception

I am going away for five days for a nice little vaykay – the first of this length in a loooong time. This trip will actually mark the longest time that I will have ever been away from my little dog. Normally, I relish a free day from my beautiful, barkilicious beagle – but the five days is hitting me kind of hard. So hard, in fact, that while on the phone with my mother the other day, I began to tear up – while at work, no less! – due to a story my mother was relating to me about my little cat-poop-breathed guy. She told me that while she was watching him recently, she was playing a message that I left her on speakerphone, and my intent dog stopped what he was doing and started to look around for me.

This is what made me want to sob with sentimentality. He recognized the sound of my voice. That’s it; He didn’t jump in front of a bullet. He didn’t fast until he and I could be reunited. He didn’t even leave me the carcass of some unidentifiable dead creature on my pillow. No – he just heard a very familiar sound and looked around for the source.

I guess this all just touches on a truth. The truth that most of us pet owners are neck-deep in denial. We think that somehow we are special to our animals. We spend most of our waking life, at least subconsciously, refusing to think that if someone happened to come by wearing a suit of raw meat or catnip that our little pal wouldn’t jump ship in a heartbeat.

For example, a couple of nights ago I laid in bed with my dog curled up next to me on one side and my cat on the other. I stared to drift off to sleep totally content and thrilled that my adored pets were so enamored with me that they couldn’t stand to be away from me. I did this while practically shivering because it was so cold in our apartment without the thought of how desired my body heat might be at that very moment. Ahh – denial really is a lovely state. You might want to get a furry friend and visit sometime.

11.13.2006

"It is as if she has magic moonbeams for legs!"

I just found a WHITE hair on my leg! I should say, growing out of my leg. I can't decide whether to be upset about it or thrilled. Obviously taking it as a sign of aging is a total bummer. But then again, if the rest of my little leg hairs follow suit, that might mean that I can go longer without shaving. Or - even better - I could let all of my leg hair fill in for the winter creating silvery warm leg wraps, and people would marvel over how beautiful and shimmery my stunning legs would be.

I guess we'll just have to see how this plays out.

11.08.2006

Who Knew Missouri Could Be So Intimidating??

I was planning on posting some blog today about how Missouri finally got its shit together and did something right. But SCREW THAT! Now we get the news that Rummy is stepping down! WHAT?! That's right - you heard! Apparently Rumsfeld must have had himself some scarytime nightmares last night all about the Demalumps and Demuzzles attacking him and decided to get out while he could be the one to make the call.

I just wonder what "office supplies" he will be pilfers before he goes.

11.06.2006

Look Out Annie Sprinkle!

I have been getting the weirdest spam emails lately sent to my work account. I have been compiling them all in hopes that one day I will construct an elaborate performance art piece out of the best of them. For now, however due to my hectic schedule, I will have to settle with posting this incredible one that I received this morning.

"Rule #1: Mom is always right. Rule #2: If Mom is wrong, refer to rule #1. Never, Never... allow anyone to persuade you to suspend your common sense. Money for old rope. Drink deep, or taste not the Pierian Spring: We must take the bad with the good.
If you were born to be shot, you'll never be hung. This could also be read as, A friend in need is a friend in debt. A little Learning is a dang'rous Thing; The road to hell is paved with good intentions. Don't mend what ain't broken. Alternate: If at first you don't succeed, redefine success. Hope is life="

And, dear readers, I have saved the best for last - the subject heading for this particular gem was, "was salmonella is salmonella."

11.03.2006

No Wonder Van Gogh Sliced his Ear!

I pride myself on my imagination. I grew up with parents encouraging me to explore the world of the unreal. I just wanted to take a second and say, “Thanks parents – thanks for introducing me into a world of nothing but disappointment!”

My stupid imagination has been so well harnessed that it’s to a point where I am slipping into a serious depression by the fact that my real life is neither my imaginary one – nor anything close. This guy is now just making it worse:



I have recently become so in love with him that I have imagined all the funtimes that we would have together: making each other laugh, bouncing comedy ideas off of each other, hanging out with him and his boys from Stella, going to shows together, and just having the best freakin’ time ever. But the chances of me meeting him, let alone dating, him are, sadly, slim. So I sit around being miserable that my one true chance at happiness will never come. In the end, I left with only my imagination and the desktop image of him offering me a box of chocolates and a dozen roses. If I only I was less creative, life would be so much less of a downer.

11.01.2006

XXX Disney Princesses XXX

I LOVE Halloween! It is, by far, my favorite holiday. The spookiness of the month swaddled in candy wrappers, crunchy dead leaves, and stories of ghosties just makes me so happy. It is a time for spookiness, ghoulish make-up and fake blood. Not for ladies to take normal, regular fitting costumes and throw them into the hottest water possible followed by several hours in a VERY hot dryer until the entire costume becomes no larger than a hanky. Considering my feelings on this subject, it stands to reason that I was less than thrilled to see 4 scantily clad princesses giggling and prancing around my booth at dinner last night. I was, however, absolutely thrilled when a very attractive family stopped to talk to the Disney Whoresses and said the following to the little trampettes:

Dad: "Princesses, huh? I would have said Victoria Secret ladies."

Young Son Who Could Not Have Been Over 7 Years Old: "I mean, I've seen Alice in Wonderland, but . . ."